1. The importance of your local toilet trivia
I can hold it, you think. Just one more song, you think. Getting pretty desperate now, so I’d better quickly pack up my…
Have you ever hated your busking gear more than when you’re cramming it into your bag in a hurry? Full bladder and only a vague idea of your nearest lavatory.
Needing the toilet when I’m mid-busk is my own personal idea of hell. I’ve taken to not drinking any water at all while I’m busking and then downing 2 litres when I get home. Try it! It’s terrible for you.
2. The granny trolley
You get ready to give a friendly nod to a fellow busker as they pass by, only to realise that it’s actually an old lady using a granny trolley for its intended purpose. And that’s a walking stick, not a mic stand.
3. The push chair
You get ready to give a steely glare as a fellow busker approaches to usurp your busking spot, when you realise it’s actually a mother with a small child and you feel terrible forever for giving a kid the evil eye.
4. The headphone heartbreaker
Someone walks by and politely removes their headphone to listen. Wow. I really am stopping people in their tracks with this old music thing! That guy is loving it so much he’s ditched his previous entertainment to listen to…oh, headphone going back in. All self esteem lost. Thats it, I quit.
5. No change given
Someone’s clearly enjoying it! You’ve spotted a fiver in the crowd and it’s coming your way! You’re already planning your Pret sandwich selection when your best customer puts their hand in the till. Picking up pound coins like they’re going out of style. £4.50 change. Thanks very much. Way to crush my dreams.
6. The thieving toddler
Everyone is smiling. You’ve hit the busker jackpot and made a toddler dance! This couldn’t get any better. What a sweet moment, this shit could go viral. Oh wait. Now the toddler is taking your money out of your case.
Oi! Punk! You’re cute but not that cute. Put the money down and put your hands in the air. Yeah, you better cry.
(I’m joking by the way. I just smile and say “oh it’s fine honestly, take it all YOU’RE ADORABLE!”)
7. Pitch dashing
(For any buskers who play on pitches where you have to queue up)
What a work out it is changing pitches! Moving between one pitch and another is your new gym membership. Hello, I’m next in the queue please, just put my name down as Sweaty Betty.
(For buskers who play on the tube)
You may not have booked that spot 2 weeks in advance (like you should have) but whoever booked it must have had a nasty accident (thank goodness!) and it’s been left empty for you! You sign in like a total ninja and start playing as if you own the place. Then the busker who actually does own the spot turns up and you sheepishly retreat while the station staff look confused.
9. Full time busker, part time weather girl
I wonder if it’s going to rain on Saturday…someone is pondering their weekend and you can’t help but butt in…”According to BBC it’ll be mostly dry with a chance of showers in the morning and a wind speed of approximately 8 mph.”
You know the weekly weather report like the back of your hand. And nothing breaks your heart more than rain when your 4 weather apps didn’t predict it to be so. Cut me deep weather apps, cut me deep.
10. The sweet sweet smell of success
How gross does money smell? One of my least favourite smells ever is my hands after doing a coin count. Filthy filthy lovely money.